There are a lot of ways that I want to start this, but I’m just going to let this out:
None of this is going to be figured out. My life, my job situation, my relationships, my career choices or my purpose for being on this beautiful planet. Figured out is a myth. A sense of security for our ego not to send us into a spiraling existential hole. It’s something I personally strive for constantly, and it always seems to elude me. As soon as I have something figured out, another factor changes, and I lose focus or have more questions or change direction or… and life continues.
Often times (and by that I mean almost every single time), the pivots that come in life that throw off me “figuring out” are the biggest blessings I encounter. The relationships that haven’t worked out, the heart break, the friends lost, the countries and cities that chewed me up and spit me out a different person, the singular encounters with individuals that make me choose to do something seemingly insignificant that alters my entire timeline and life trajectory. I am constantly stumbling through life “mistake” after “mistake” trying so hard to make sense of why anything is happening, and analyzing the possibilities so that I can leverage what I’ve learned to make my life more how I want it to be and again I’m at the end of a road, questioning it all, confused and frustrated.
This isn’t all of the time. I’d say this is about 1/3 of my existence. The other 2/3 are split between moderately content doing whatever is in front of me, and ecstatic about how great and blessed I feel, and probably about half of the 1/3 that is ecstatic is because I actively choose to put myself in that head space or I have friends who are putting me in that headspace too. Nonetheless, I continue to try to figure shit out. It’s infuriating. It pulls me out of my bliss and contentment and it flips me into a mental loop of perfectionism that honestly I would like to say I’ve bested by now, but I haven’t.
Through all this trial and error though, I’ve learned so many beautiful things about myself, life and the way things tend to work in my world and I’d like to share some of those things.
Life is fair but not equal.
Everyone gets dished something, hard things and easy things, all in different seasons. It rains on the rich and the poor, the just and the unjust. The fair part is we don’t know what our life will entail, but we do have the opportunity every day to decide how we’re going to act, show up, and respond to what’s come our way. It’s not equal because of our perception and comparison and the things we value.
If I compare myself to someone else, and try to be like them, I’m robbing the world and myself of the gifts that I’ve been given because I tried to be something/someone I’m not because I wasn’t happy with what I’ve been given. If I perceive that what someone else has what I want (athletic abilities, money, ideas, experience, travel, etc.) and I complain about it, I put a barrier between me and getting it. If I let the self pity of not “having what I want” control me, I’ll drive it farther away. The truth is, we have everything we need right now for the next step of what’s for us. Play your game, use your advantages, hone what you love and are good at, and leave the rest up to the universe. There will always be people with better lives and shittier lives. Those lives can change in a second, roles can reverse, or people can win big, lose big, or die out of no where for no reason. Your character, and how you choose to show up in the life you’re given is the main priority.
Don’t be hard on yourself
And I say this with complete acknowledgement that I am extremely hard on myself quite often. My perception of how things ought to be bites me in the ass frequently. My desire to control my surroundings and the outcomes of my efforts is not my friend. It definitely brings me more suffering and a more painful existence because I don’t have things figured out, and what I think the best outcome is is often not (otherwise it would happen). I say that last part because I am a firm believer in everything happening for a reason and for the best.
If you tie the worth of your efforts to the outcome, it is much more likely to be disappointed. It is much easier to be thrown off course, get distracted or not follow through. If you tie the worth of your efforts to your character, it is easily measurable and repeatable. If you know your baseline for how much effort you can put into something (relationships, jobs, self care, etc.) and you can hit that baseline about 65%-75% of the time, you’re probably crushing it. When we feel amazing and energized and focused and can be wildly productive or loving or kind or excited or enjoyable to be around or whatever you’re measuring, it’s easy to think that’s the baseline and anything that falls short of that is less than or not worth celebrating. The reality is, baseline is what you can show up and do consistently. Maybe you CAN be on that rockstar level for extended amounts of time. Thats awesome. When it comes time for you to rest and take a chill pill and balance out and take care of yourself, don’t judge yourself for sleeping too much or having off days. I’ve had entire seasons of life where I was able to go hard for months, years even. It all caught up and my self worth got tied to how productive and on top of things I could be. I actually was forced by life to slow down. I didn’t have an option, and that made it very apparent to me how hard I was on myself.
You will have moments you’re not proud of, you will do things that change how you view yourself. Your perception of life and whats possible will be challenged for good and for bad. These are inevitable parts of the human experience. You do, however, have control over how you decide to handle yourself when these things come, and you do have the ability to set your best food forward, even if your best this time doesn’t look like your best previously. The goal is to be accepting of yourself and affirming of yourself in every state and to truly learn self love. This includes the parts you don’t like.
All is Well
This last one has been a real trip for me. To truly shift my mindset into thinking that everything not only will be ok, but is currently okay even though it may not feel like it. Growing up I was taught a lot of black and white lines about how life worked and what was ok and what wasn’t. Even to the point in my Christian school where they would say “anyone who tries to tell you that just doing good and not hurting anyone” isn’t enough and that there were specific ways in which to do what is “good” and “loving” that were mandatory for a “proper life.” There was not room for grey, only egoic certainty.
That said, I had some awesome teachers throughout my life, and I learned a lot through their teachings of what was “right” and what was “wrong”. The best teachings I had though, were to learn to trust my personal relationship with my intuition and gut and body (they may have called that Holy Spirit or God, I think they all work together whether there is an actual god in the sky or not). These teachings taught me personal responsibility, taught me to push boundaries because there’s no room for fear and honestly no room for the black and white certainty of how things work and operate.
There is a passage in the Bible that says “Everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial.” This has become a bit of a mantra for me. Do whatever you want, but if it’s not bringing good things into your life and the lives of people around you maybe don’t do it. Fuck around and find out. Push boundaries, learn more about yourself and what is good for you in your own pursuit of self knowledge. What’s good for some is not good for others. There is a relativity in actions and pursuits. Everyone is built different, we’re not cookie cutters.
Obviously this isn’t a free license to kill someone or do a bunch of meth. In your pursuit of your boundaries and finding what works for you, you’ll go past them sometimes, but as long as you live, you won’t go past what you can recover from. You’ll see pretty quickly and pretty clearly what you like, don’t like and what fits and what doesn’t. The key here is to let your character be steadfast, your curiosity be abounding, and your choices to come from as much peace as possible without mistaking fear as a reason not to try. Often times I’ve stopped myself from exploring my curiosity because I was afraid and tricked myself into thinking that was my intuition. Expanding the comfort zone is not always fun, its not always necessary, but choosing to acknowledge your fear and face it, even if in a small way, is a successful pursuit of your own self.
Okay, if you made it this far, I commend you. I am grateful for you and I am here for you. Thank you for reading through some of my thoughts to hear a bit of what I experience and learn from life. Keep on going, and maybe try to be a bit more present and a not as worried about the outcome, and more focused on who you are in the moment.